I’m back with another holiday-themed mid-week tangent. I was trying to generate a list of my favourite holiday beverages for this week’s post, but a strange thing happened as I contemplated all the most popular of festive drinks. I realized that I pretty much despise them all, or at most find them to be a once a year indulgence.
For your reading pleasure, and to inspire your wrath, I brazenly present you with my top 5 absolutely disdained holiday beverages:
5. The Peppermint Mocha: I don’t understand this combination. Chocolate and peppermint I understand. Coffee and chocolate I understand. But coffee with peppermint? No. This is all wrong, except for the whipped cream, which is always right in my books. My recommendation, scrape off the whipped cream and dump the rest in the trash.
4. Eggnog Latte: I usually drink one of these a year only to confirm that they ruin both coffee and eggnog. I know these are a much beloved holiday beverage, but hot eggnog is just not the way to go in my books. Ever.
3. Eggnog: Eggnog has this strange allure. I sort of love it but, like most humans, find it to be a little cloying and heavy when consumed in large quantities. If I could buy a 250 mL eggnog, it would last me the whole season, but they insist on selling it only by the litre. It’s a conspiracy. The absolute only way to make eggnog tolerable is to cut it with vigour in the form of substantial amounts of rum, and even then only one a year will suffice.
2. Gingerbread Latte: This is an abomination of a coffee beverage. I have never actually ordered one. I base my opinion solely on a single sip of someone else’s latte that I had years ago. Spice syrups always taste artificial to me, and this is no exception. Do you know where classic gingerbread spices belong? In a cookie. Maybe a loaf cake. They belong nowhere else and certainly not in a perfectly good shot of espresso.
1.Hot Buttered Rum: Do you realize that you’re actually drinking rum with butter?!?! Hey, I like butter as much as the next person. You should see how much I put on my toast in the morning. But in a drink? That’s madness. I am not sure I’ve ever consumed more than a sip of a hot buttered rum at any point in my life, and I’m quite certain I will keep it that way.
Lest you all think I’m just a scrooge of holiday beverages, I assure you I have my passions. Tis the season for a nice, classic hot chocolate or, if I’m feeling really crazy, a peppermint hot chocolate. Both must be liberally coated in whipped cream. Otherwise, I’ll just stick to my usual suspects: wine, fortified wine, coffee with baileys or maybe a nice chocolate porter or stout. Now those are drinks I can get behind, holiday season or not.