I’ve been giving this some thought and I fear you’re out to sabotage my ultra marathon training. I’m not sure exactly why. I can’t see how you’ll stand to suffer from my training nor the race itself. My only conclusion is that you’re kind of a selfish ass.
You know that consuming more sugar will impact my training. It makes me tired and sluggish. It makes me jiggle in places I don’t like to jiggle when I run, which makes me not want to run. It makes me not fit in my jeans, which in turn makes me want to sit at home and eat more sugar. Why would you do this to me, sugar? I thought we had a good, balanced relationship going on.
I know I broke up with you last May and we stayed apart until the holiday season. Maybe I should’ve explained more about why. Maybe I should’ve shared how when I stayed away from you, I slept better, had more energy, was emotionally unshakeable, worked out better and generally felt on top of the world.
But I thought that once I reintroduced you here and there, we would be cool. I thought we were the kind of friends who go out every few months and have an absolutely fabulous time, but who know we’ll never be besties. But here you are, acting all jealous and determined to spend every waking second together. Sugar, you know that’s not good for either of us.
I think we need to cut the cord again if you can’t handle my ultra marathon training. It feels like you’re being irrationally inconsiderate. You know I don’t like feeling slow and sluggish. You know I don’t like it when my jeans feel like sausage casings. You know I don’t like it when you won’t leave me alone.
You’re cute and all but under the chipper smile and childlike innocence lurks an evil monster who only thinks about himself.
I’m sorry it had to end this way, but you did it to yourself.